By J.B. Fitzsimmons | Gloucester Correspondent
GLOUCESTER — In an uproar rivaling the Great Plastic Bag Ban of 2019, dozens of Gloucester residents have taken to Facebook this week to mourn what some are calling “the death of America.”
The Gloucester Fireworks Committee announced that, due to skyrocketing (lol) costs, the annual fireworks display may only be held on Labor Day, ending a long tradition of fireworks on July 3rd. What followed was a level of online civil discourse that historians are already calling “a Category 5 Facebook Event.”
“This is diabolical,” declared one commenter, while another called for a grassroots uprising that would involve, “throwing tea in the harbor.” Others proposed using purple trash bag money, clawed-back federal funds, or the proceeds from psychic lobster readings to fund the explosives.
One local procurement expert gravely informed the masses that tariffs, shipping rates, federal pest inspection layoffs, and ancient maritime curses had all conspired to destroy this year’s fireworks dreams. “The cargo ships are in chaos,” she warned, to the solemn nods of people who have never once ordered fireworks wholesale but are pretty sure she was onto something.
Meanwhile, budget realists attempted to explain, multiple times and with PowerPoint-level verbosity, that critical services like education and public safety might be higher priorities than twenty minutes of colorful bangs. This argument was immediately countered by the ancient Facebook principle known as “But My Taxes,” in which every increase in revenue is assumed to personally fund fireworks, pothole repairs, and free swordfish dinners for life.
A civil war broke out among commenters over whether the fireworks committee, a private non-profit run by volunteers, owed a legally binding loyalty oath to every $5 Venmo donation. Some demanded immediate elections. Others demanded immediate firings. A few demanded immediate fireworks, even if it meant throwing Roman candles off Stacy Boulevard “in the spirit of freedom.”
At one point, the debate turned existential. “Without fireworks on July 3rd,” mused one resident, “how will I know it’s America?”
A glimmer of compromise appeared briefly when a resident suggested simply shooting off “just white fireworks” to save on cost — but this idea was drowned out in the third hour of a 78-comment subthread about whether Schoonerfest “counts” as a tradition or if it was just invented by Big Sailboat in the 90s.
Meanwhile, the Gloucester Fireworks Committee bravely continued doing what they have always done: working for free, raising money from thin air, and fielding more complaints per minute than the City Hall pothole hotline.
As of press time, a rogue GoFundMe titled “Make July 3rd Loud Again” had raised $17.43, two sand dollars, and a gently used iPhone 6.
The Dogtown Reader 