By J.B. Fitzsimmons | Gloucester Correspondent
GLOUCESTER — A swirling, fiery portal to the dark plane of Oblivion spontaneously appeared at Stage Fort Park over the weekend, sparking both awe and mild inconvenience among locals, many of whom initially mistook the glowing red vortex for a particularly aggressive food truck.
The portal, which crackles with unholy energy and occasionally belches out a smattering of scamps and clannfear, opened near the playground, displacing a family picnic and a YMCA day camp. Witnesses report a strong smell of sulfur, accompanied by the distant beat of war drums and the music of Jeremy Soule.
“I knew something was up when the temperature hit 130 degrees and my potato salad caught fire,” said Wendy McCracken, who was trying to enjoy a family reunion in the park when the portal burst open. “I just figured it was global warming. You know, like everyone’s saying.”
City officials responded quickly, placing traffic cones and a temporary orange plastic fence around the portal to contain the incursion, which has since begun to expand as the daedric host pushes toward the Gloucester Dog Park.
“We’re monitoring the situation closely,” said a spokesperson for the Gloucester Office of Inexplicable Phenomena, a division of the Health Department created in response to the 2020 outbreak of hyper-aggressive undead seagulls. “We expect the portal to either collapse or become a permanent part of Gloucester’s tourism economy by the end of the month.”
Local business owners have already begun to adapt. One nearby food truck, Clamdemonium, is offering a limited-edition “Daedric Clam Roll” and a free soul gem with every purchase. Meanwhile, the recently shuttered Cupboard has seized the opportunity to reopen and expand its menu.
“We’re rolling out a special ‘Oblivion Sundae’ this weekend,” said owner Claire Piner. “It’s a towering cone of black raspberry soft serve with cinnamon fire sauce, crushed Oreos, and a single, ominous, glowing cherry on top. It comes with a commemorative spoon forged in the molten depths of our fryer.”
Others are less enthusiastic. “I just hope it doesn’t mess with parking,” said longtime resident and beach sticker holder Martin Seppala, who claims he’s already lost two lawn chairs and a small cooler to the daedric horde. “It’s hard enough to find a spot down there as it is.”
Online speculation about the portal has run rampant, with one Reddit thread on r/Gloucester suggesting the entire incident is part of a viral marketing campaign for the recently remastered game The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion.
“This has Todd Howard written all over it,” said one commenter, referring to the Bethesda game director notorious for releasing expansive, glitch-filled fantasy worlds. “This is exactly the kind of over-the-top stunt he’d pull to get us hyped for another 400-hour open-world grindfest.”
Mayor Greg Verga has announced a community meeting to discuss the portal’s future, scheduled for Tuesday in City Hall’s Kyrouz Auditorium. Topics will include noise ordinances, dimensional rift etiquette, and whether the portal can be used to store off-season lawn furniture.
In the meantime, residents are advised to avoid direct eye contact with the portal and to keep small children and pets at least 200 feet away from the swirling hellscape.
“Whatever you do,” added the Health Department spokesperson, “don’t go in. You’ll never make it back in time for Fiesta.”
The Dogtown Reader 