By J.B. Fitzsimmons | Gloucester Correspondent
GLOUCESTER — Tablet Rock, the venerable boulder at Stage Fort Park, is set to star as Plymouth Rock in the upcoming historic romantic sci-fi action film First Steps: The Rock That Launched a Nation. The film, which has been described as “300 meets Finding Nemo” with a bit of Fast & Furious thrown in for good measure, promises to “rock” audiences when it hits theaters next summer.
Producers said the decision to cast Tablet Rock came after a disappointing scouting trip to Plymouth, where the original rock was deemed “too small, too boring, and frankly, kind of a downer.”
“It’s like the size of a backpack,” said director Ben Roche. “We needed something with presence. We needed a rock that says, ‘I’m the foundation of a nation.’ Something that looks like it could stop a boat, not get bullied by a stiff breeze.”
The decision has sparked outrage among Plymouth residents, who insist their rock is more historically accurate. “Plymouth Rock is an icon,” said Jack Cutler. “Sure, it’s a little underwhelming in person, but so are a lot of historical things. It’s about the symbolism.”
Despite the backlash, the studio stands by their choice. “We considered using CGI to make Plymouth Rock look more impressive,” said special effects coordinator Daniel Brady, “but it just ended up looking like a big, wet meatball. Sometimes you have to go practical.”
According to a synopsis, the film will follow the Mayflower’s harrowing voyage across the Atlantic, culminating in a high-octane landing scene where Pilgrims crash their ship onto the rock at 60 knots while screaming “For Freedom!” and firing muskets into the fog.
“We’re taking a few creative liberties,” admitted Roche, casually rearranging a pile of sea glass on his desk. “We want this to feel like the true, explosive, rock-driven origin story of America.”
Tablet Rock, who has been waiting for a big break since the late Pleistocene, says it is ready for the challenge. “I’ve been practicing my hard stare for thousands of years,” it said in a statement. “I’m unbreakable. I was born for this.”
Leaked script notes show the film will include high-stakes chase scenes involving rowboats leaping off rogue waves, a love story between a swarthy ship’s carpenter and a sassy lobster, and a third-act twist where the Mayflower reveals itself to be a transforming battle cruiser sent from the future to save early America from time-traveling Somali pirates.
Plymouth Rock itself was reportedly offered a small cameo as “Background Boulder #3” but declined, citing creative differences. It has since been spotted in Provincetown, sulking in a local bar.
Industry insiders say Tablet Rock is already eyeing future roles, including a possible turn as the Lincoln Memorial in an upcoming D.C.-based disaster film or as the voice of Mt. Rushmore in a Pixar animated feature.
When asked if it had any advice for aspiring geological actors, Tablet Rock responded, “Stay grounded and never take anything for granite.”
The Dogtown Reader 