By J.B. Fitzsimmons | Gloucester Correspondent
GLOUCESTER — In a report released this week, a routine analysis of the Gloucester municipal water supply revealed the presence of dihydrogen monoxide (DHMO), a chemical compound that has been linked to thousands of deaths each year and is found in nearly every major environmental disaster.
City officials were quick to downplay the findings, insisting that the presence of DHMO in the water supply is completely normal. However, some residents are already calling for a full investigation into how this potentially hazardous substance found its way into their home taps.
“I can’t believe they’ve been letting us drink this stuff for years,” said East Main Street resident Mick Goodhue, while filling a canteen with water directly from the Good Harbor Beach creek. “If I had known I was just chugging dihydrogen monoxide every day, I would have switched to craft beer like my cousin in Portland.”
Use of dihydrogen monoxide has been known to lead to sweating, frequent urination, and an intense feeling of dampness. The chemical is also extremely addictive — 100 percent of people who have consumed DHMO will continue to do so for the rest of their lives. It can be fatal if inhaled, is a major component of acid rain, and is present in significant quantities in cancerous tumors.
Despite these risks, dihydrogen monoxide is regularly used as an industrial solvent and coolant, in nuclear power plants, as a fire retardant, and as an ingredient in a wide range of foods and beverages — both organic and highly processed products.
The city’s report noted that dihydrogen monoxide has been found in every major body of water on Earth, including the Atlantic Ocean, Lake Titicaca, the Annisquam River, and the Market Basket lobster tank.
“This stuff is everywhere,” said Chestnut Street resident Barbara Douglas, while dumping out her reusable Yeti water bottle into a storm drain. “I even found some in my toilet.”
Despite the growing panic, city officials insist that the presence of DHMO in the water supply is nothing to worry about, noting that humans have been consuming it for thousands of years without significant issues, except for the occasional drowning.
A small but determined group of residents are organizing a campaign demanding the immediate removal of “Big DHMO” from their taps.
“We have the right to know what’s being pumped into our homes,” said the group’s organizer Spencer Bevilacqua. “We’re being told this stuff is harmless, but that’s exactly what they said about margarine, Olestra, and lawn darts.”
In response, Gloucester’s assistant deputy water commissioner Craig Jackson told the Reader that “literally everything you drink contains dihydrogen monoxide,” before sighing deeply and taking a long sip from his Dunkin Donuts Pistachio Signature Latte, which also contained a significant amount of the controversial compound.
The Dogtown Reader 