By J.B. Fitzsimmons | Gloucester Correspondent
GLOUCESTER — Organizers of the St. Peter’s Fiesta have announced that this year’s Greasy Pole competitors will be subject to strict drug and alcohol testing to ensure they are sufficiently inebriated before attempting to walk the 40-foot long pole slathered in Crisco, fryer grease, fish guts, and gonad remnants suspended above the choppy waters of Gloucester Harbor.
The decision comes after several years of concern that a handful of overly sober walkers have been quietly undermining the long-standing tradition of half-stumbling, fully-shouting, shirtless glory that has defined the event for nearly a century.
“We’ve noticed a troubling trend of a few guys trying to walk the pole with all their faculties intact,” said Greasy Pole facilities manager Al Nicastro, unloading pallets of Crisco in preparation for the weekend’s event. “I even saw a guy stretching and drinking a Gatorade last year. We can’t have that sort of disrespect for our traditions continue.”
According to the new rules, all walkers must have a blood alcohol content of at least 0.16% before being allowed to step foot on the pole, with additional points awarded for creative slurring, aggressive high-fiving, and impromptu, out-of-sync chants of “che siamu tutti mutti” as they make their way toward the platform.
“It’s about maintaining the spirit of the event,” said veteran walker Joe “Gorilla” Cataldo. “The Greasy Pole isn’t only about testing your balance. It’s about having the confidence to make bad decisions in front of your entire hometown. We want to make sure every guy up there is in the right state of mind for that.”
The preparation process is reportedly quite rigorous, involving a combination of local and imported beers, mandatory shots of sambuca, and a psychological test where participants must successfully make eye contact with at least three ex-girlfriends without immediately diving into the harbor to escape.
Local bars are expected to play a critical role, with several already offering special “Greasy Pole Prep” drink packages, including the “Buoy Bomb” – a shot of bottom-shelf rum dropped into a glass of cold Yuengling – and the “Saltwater Slammer” – a shot of Everclear garnished with crushed Lay’s salt and vinegar chips.
As part of the process, a pre-walk calibration station will be set up, complete with spinning barstools, uneven planks, and a loop of disorienting footage from previous Fiestas. Organizers insist this will help simulate real-world conditions on the pole, while also giving the crowd “a nice preview of who’s going down first.”
At least one competitor has already been disqualified for making preparations to take his test while “too hydrated” – a situation that drew loud boos from the crowd, who quickly resolved the issue by tossing the offending walker into the harbor for a quick tutorial on what the event is really about.
The Reader asked several prospective walkers for comment, but all were so far into the preparation process that they could not form full sentences.
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