By J.B. Fitzsimmons | Gloucester Correspondent
GLOUCESTER — This year’s Horribles Parade will feature a brand-new competitive category: “Loudest Float.”
The decision to introduce the category comes after years of informal but increasingly competitive noise wars between parade participants, with organizers hoping to channel that energy into a more “constructive” form of chaos.
“We already had prizes for Best Costume and Most Creative,” said parade organizer Donna Murtagh. “It was time we honored the folks who show up with 8 subwoofers, three foghorns, and a dream. And don’t get me started on that guy with the train horn.”
The new “Loudest Float” award will be judged not just on decibel level, but on creative use of sound, crowd reaction, unexpected tremors, and the ability to draw noise complaints from residents in Rockport settling in for bed at 5:00 in the evening.
Early contenders for the title include:
- St. Peter’s Fiesta Foghorn: A flatbed truck fitted with industrial-grade foghorns, a chainsaw quartet, and a diesel generator synced to play “Eh, Cumpari” at jet engine decibel levels.
- The Leaf Blower Brigade: A mixed crew of suburban white dads and Guatemalans armed with gas-powered leaf blowers marching in formation while shouting “You missed a spot!” to no one in particular.
- The Gloucester Clam Shuckers and Accordion Society: Known for their signature move, “The Steam Pot Symphony,” which involves setting off 200 pounds of steaming clamshells while a dozen accordion players struggle to stay in tune.
- The Cape Ann Jerk Squad: A pack of shirtless Harley riders revving their engines in front of a float version of the Crow’s Nest while shouting about “how things used to be.”
Winners will receive a $50 gift card to Hearing Services of Cape Ann, a pair of decorative earplugs, and what organizers describe as “the eternal glory of mild tinnitus.”
Reactions from residents have been mixed.
“I’m all for it,” said lifelong Gloucester resident Frank Mavros, who lives on the parade route on Centennial Avenue. “Nothing says ‘community spirit’ like blowing out someone’s eardrums before dusk.”
However, others have expressed concerns about potential hearing loss, structural damage, and the possibility of accidental seagull injuries.
“My grandson was born during the parade last year,” said Cherry Street resident Terry Bodwin. “He came into this world during an airhorn concerto and hasn’t stopped screaming since. I love this town, but I’d like to keep one functioning eardrum.”
Gloucester Police have requested paradegoers “keep it festive, not catastrophic,” and the Fire Department has asked participants to refrain from “improvised pyrotechnic percussion unless absolutely necessary.” The mayor’s office has announced they will be doubling first responders’ aspirin budget for the week.
“Look, these are tough times. We just want people to feel something,” Murtagh said. “Ideally fear, awe, and a little bit of inner ear damage.”
The Dogtown Reader 