By J.B. Fitzsimmons | Gloucester Correspondent
GLOUCESTER — With rumors, scandals, and persistent administrative troubles rocking the race for mayor, candidate Paul Lundberg has officially entered crisis mode — not because of a scandal, but because of the lack of one.
“I’m not saying I want to be caught doing something illegal. I just need something — anything — to stick,” said Lundberg outside City Hall on Tuesday, adjusting the collar of a nondescript fleece vest. “People don’t want squeaky clean anymore. They don’t want to talk about policy. They want flawed. Flawed is electable.”
According to sources close to the campaign, Lundberg has spent the past week manufacturing increasingly desperate attempts at controversy. On Wednesday, he was seen handing out political flyers with slightly outdated recycling instructions. On Thursday, he stood in line at Virgilio’s muttering vague threats about parking reform.
“The other candidates are pulling ahead on controversy,” said local political analyst and dog walker Melinda Caine. “You can’t show up to a Gloucester election in 2025 with a clean record. It’s boring. It’s amateur.”
Even Lundberg’s volunteers are pitching in. Campaign intern Molly Reardon says she tried to fake a leaked memo in which Lundberg proposes altering the Man at the Wheel statue to give it a sweater vest.
“It didn’t go viral, but we’re workshopping it,” Reardon said.
By Friday, Lundberg was was spotted at the newly reopened Sawyer Free Library returning a stack of books — all overdue by three months. The titles reportedly included Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics: The Manipulation of Public Opinion in America by Michael Wheeler, The Mayor of Casterbridge by Thomas Hardy, and a 2007 DVD copy of Shrek the Third.
“I don’t even know if they fine people for that anymore,” Lundberg said afterward. “But if they do, I’ll happily pay it… with taxpayer dollars. That’s got to be unethical, right?”
For their part, Gloucester voters are watching the chaos with a mix of exhaustion and delight.
“It’s not that I want my mayor to be involved in shady stuff,” said Marina Drive resident Teresa Lovasco. “But it’s Gloucester. If you’ve never had at least one anonymous tip about you or been chased out of a meeting by a goose, I just don’t know if you’re ready.”
Cherry Hill Road resident Kevin Dolan was less forgiving.
“Scandals matter. Not the details — I don’t care what you did or didn’t do. But if no one’s even accusing you of something? That’s a little suspicious.”
Meanwhile, news of Lundberg’s overdue library fines sent waves through Gloucester’s notoriously drama-starved Book Club Community.
“It’s a decent start,” said librarian and longtime voter Cathy Milner. “But it’s no ‘misplaced public funds’ or ‘unfortunate Zoom audio leak.’ Still, I’ll take what I can get.”
Political strategist Lana Greaves summed it up bluntly.
“Lundberg is trying to win a drag race on a Segway. The other candidates are on fire. He’s got a lukewarm mug of Earl Grey tea and an expired beach sticker,” she said.
In an effort to drum up sympathy, Lundberg’s campaign also released a 30-second video ad titled “Flawed, Finally.” It features grainy footage of him jaywalking on Rogers Street and concludes with the candidate sighing into the camera: “Vote for me… or don’t. Whatever. Yeet.”
In a statement released Saturday, Lundberg’s team vowed to continue pursuing “highly memetic, moderately troubling behavior” until their candidate could “at least get a small mention on Page A3.”
When asked directly if he had any skeletons in his closet, Lundberg responded, “No, but we’re buying one off Facebook Marketplace just in case.”
The Dogtown Reader 