By Robert Pringles | Rockport Correspondent
ROCKPORT — In an emergency 4–1 vote late Tuesday night, the Rockport Select Board approved a new seasonal ordinance aimed at curbing what officials described as a “rapid and concerning uptick in lascivious decorative skeletons” appearing throughout the seaside town.
The ordinance, which bans skeletons from being posed in “seductive, suggestive, or scandalously straddling positions,” comes after a series of complaints from residents who claimed the displays were “inappropriate for family neighborhoods” and “awakened something strange inside them.”
“Look, we’re not anti-Halloween,” said Select Board Chair Paul Murphy. “But when you’ve got a 12-foot Home Depot skeleton wearing fishnets and reclining across a lawn, we’ve crossed into unwholesome territory. This is Rockport, not Salem.”
According to the ordinance, effective immediately and enforced through Halloween night, all skeletons must be displayed in a “neutral, upright posture” with limbs “positioned in ways that suggest no intention beyond being dead.” Skeletons found violating the ordinance may be ticketed, repositioned, or — at the discretion of the zoning board — clothed in modesty tarps.
Reactions from residents were divided.
“It’s ridiculous,” said Main Street resident and part-time Etsy corset maker Mallory Bass. “Skeletons don’t have genitals. You can’t sexualize something that’s literally just calcium and regret. Also, I spent four hours making my bony boy a leather harness and mesh chaps. That’s art.”
One resident — who declined to be named but identified herself as “a Scorpio with strong opinions” — defended her skeleton setup as “a commentary on post-pandemic dating culture and the impermanence of flesh.”
Other Rockporters welcomed the measure.
“I had to explain to my six-year-old why the skeleton across the street was wearing a cowboy hat, jorts, and leaning against a lamppost like he was waiting for a Grindr date,” said High Street resident Darren Holt. “Halloween used to be about spooky fun. Not bone-thirst traps.”
Meanwhile, Rockport’s only animal control officer, suddenly deputized to enforce the ordinance due to a clerical error, seemed overwhelmed.
“I usually deal with raccoons,” said Officer Trina McDermont, adjusting her hastily issued skeleton tape measure. “Now I have to decide if a pelvic tilt is ‘suggestive’? This town needs therapy.”
To assist with enforcement, the town has launched a “Skeleton Watch” hotline where concerned citizens can report “problematic posturing.” The Select Board has urged residents not to take matters into their own hands, following an incident last year when an unknown vigilante known only as “Bone Cop” knocked over 14 skeletons in one night.
The ordinance includes exemptions for historically accurate displays, church-sanctioned biblical skeletons, and one skeleton in Dock Square that has been dancing the Macarena since 2003 and is now considered a landmark. It is unclear if the planned performance of “The Rockport Horror Picture Show” at Little Art Cinema later this month will be affected.
Critics of the ban say it raises troubling questions about artistic freedom, censorship, and what exactly constitutes “skeleton sexuality.” The Select Board, however, remains firm.
“We’re not trying to start a culture war,” said Murphy. “We’re just trying to make sure nobody’s porch gives you a boner.”
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